The Fellowship of the Wings
by Elendae Dudruag
Summary: The Lord of the Hobbity Wings, book one- The Fellowship of the Wings. Everyone is stranded on Caradhras when Pippin gets out his Hobbity Wings from his backpack and starts to fly away on them. Then they reach Lothlorien, and Pippin sneaks under the pantry
1. Chapter 1 The Fell Beast Express

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings, J.R.R. Tolkein does. I also don't own Harry Potter, The Smashing Pumpkins, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Snickers Bars, Ricola, Benadryl, or anything in this story, except i _do _own Hobbity Wings!

Author's note: Please, nobody take offense if I make fun of your favourite character. I am making everyone in this story look rather stupid, not because I don't like the character, but because it makes the story funny. And in reviews, if you don't like my story, please say it nicely without any swear words. Everyone is intitled to their opinion, most definitely, but I'm only fourteen and I really don't like reading swears. Thank you! Enjoy the story!

Chapter One- The Fell Beast Express

One day the Fellowship was going over Caradhras when suddenly someone had an idea.

"Hey, let's go on the Fell Beast Express trolly line! It'll be a lot faster than this freezing tread!"

"Actually, Boromir, it is much nicer to run on top of the snow. You have to try it! Much more fun than sinking in waist-deep!" Legolas said joyfully.

"In case you were wondering, I am not an elf! I am a man, therefor I experience cold temperatures!" Boromir retorted.

"Let the Ring-Bearer decide, of course!" Gandalf said. Everyone heartily agreed.

"We shall take the Fell Beast Express!" Frodo said.

"Alright, then," Merry said, pulling out his cell-phone. "I suppose it _was _a good idea to bring this, after all!"

He dialed the number zero for operator, and when in rang Merry said, "Excuse me, sir, but can I have the dialing number to reach the Fell Beast Express?"

The voice over the cellular telephone answered in a low voice, "Ash Nazg Durbatuluk Ash Nazg Gimbatul Ash Nazg Thrakatuluk Agh Burzum Ishi Krimpatul!"

Merry stood, dumbfounded for a second. Then he handed the phone to Frodo. "You try, this guy isn't making any sense!"

Frodo said into the cell phone, "Hello, this is Frodo Baggins, the Ring-Bearer, and I would like to get the phone number to contact the Fell Beast Express."

The same low voice said, "Baggins...BAGGINS! There is no life in the void, only death!"

Frodo screamed and hung up the phone. "It's...it's Sauron!"

"Oh, no! Well, now it's time to try Legolas' desktop!" Aragorn said.

"I don't have a desktop computer, you nimrod!" Legolas yelled at Aragorn.

"Geek!" Aragorn retorted.

"Moron!"

"Imbecile!"

"Idiot!"

"Dork!"

Pippin quickly broke up the fight by screaming at the top of his volume, "SING HEY FOR THE BATH AT END OF THE DAY THAT WASHES WEARY MUD AWAY A LOON IS HE THAT WILL NOT SING, OH, WATER HOT IS A NOBLE THING!"

"We have to try my laptop!" Legolas declared.

"Alright, get it out of your backpack!" Frodo said.

Legolas took off his backpack, and then opened it. First he pulled out one snow globe of Caradhras. Then he pulled out a lava globe of Orodruin. Then he pulled out a ship in a soda bottle filled with blue water. Then he pulled out another ship in a soda bottle filled with blue water. And another...and another...and another...and another...and another, and finally he pulled out his laptop computer.

"What are we going to look up, and how?" Legolas asked.

"Click on the link to the internet." Frodo instructed. Legolas accidentally clicked on the DVD playing software. "No, not that, the next one over!"

Instead of clicking the icon to the _right_, as Frodo was trying to say, Legolas clicked the next icon over to the left, which was music. Suddenly a song by the Smashing Pumpkins came on, and Frodo and Legolas yelled in unison, "I LOVE THIS SONG!" Frodo said that because it was his favourite band, and Legolas because he wanted to dance to show off the new dance style called "disco" he learned in Rivendell.

Then Pippin joined in singing, because he thought that it was his time to sing to Denethor, and he started, "Home is behind, the world ahead, and there are many paths to tread-"

"No, Pippin, you don't sing The End of All Things yet!" Frodo commanded.

"It's not The End of All Things, Frodo, it's The Edge of Night!" Pippin replied. "Through shadow, to the edge of night!"

"_Pippin!_" Frodo screamed. "This song is called Drown, okay? You are singing the wrong words!"

"Oh, fine!" Pippin said, and started to sulk. "You moron of a cousin!"

"Don't insult Mr. Frodo!" Sam shouted. "This is his favourite song!"

"The Edge of Night is _my _favourite song!" Pippin shot back.

It was Merry who ended the confusion and hopeless arguing by clicking on the icon to the _right _of the DVD player icon, and the internet opened up. The song stopped playing, and Legolas stopped dancing, and Frodo stopped singing, and Pippin stopped sulking. Then he asked Frodo, "What's the URL adress?"

"I don't know, ask Boromir!" Frodo said.

"Hey, Boromir!" Merry called. "What's the URL adress for the Fell Beast Express?"

"I don't know!" Boromir said. "I only know that it has a stop in Osgiliath, another in Minas Morgul, one at Barad Dur, and another in the middle of the Dead Marshes!"

"Well, that's no good." Merry complained.

"Why don't you do a Google search for it?" Frodo asked.

"Oh, good idea!" Merry said, and started to type something. "Cooooool..."

"What?" Frodo asked.

"There's 18,100 results for _Meriadoc Brandybuck _on !" Merry said happily. "I have to see all these websites about me!"

"They're probably about someone else!" Boromir said, and shoved Merry aside. He typed in _Boromir, son of Denethor _and clicked the search button. While the page was loading he said proudly, "You will see that I will have many more results than you, master Meriadoc son of Saradoc!"

But when the page finished loading his jaw dropped. "_What? _Only 17,200 results for _Boromir, son of Denethor_?"

Merry laughed. "See, Boromir? Hobbits are a lot more popular!"

Boromir scowled. Pippin started jumping up and down. "I want to see if there are any websites about me! I want to see if there are any websites about me, Merry!"

Merry leaned over to Frodo and whispered, "I don't want to disappoint him, you know, because he's so excited, but I'm sure there won't be a single web result for him." He straightened up and walked back over to the computer. "Okay, Pippin." he said, and typed in _Pippin Took_. "WHAT?" Merry yelled. "96,500 results? That's more than I got!"

"I want to see how many web results I have!" Legolas yelled, and typed in _legoliss greanleef_.

"No, no, Legolas, that's not how you spell it!" Gandalf commanded, and typed in, _Legolas Greenleaf_. "Legolas, you have 50,300 web sites about you!"

"No fair!" Legolas wailed. "I'm handsomer than Pippin and he has three times more websites than I do!"

"Legolas, learn to do math! He only has a bit less that _twice _as much as you do." Boromir said, still sore about getting only 17,200 web sites.

"How many websites do I have?" Aragorn asked. "Since I'm the handsomest out of all of us!"

"Not true! I have more fans than you do!" Legolas screeched.

"Hey, I have 133,000 web sites about me!" Frodo said, who had taken over the computer while Legolas and Aragorn were fighting. "Except...what's all this Ellihja Wood stuff? Who is he?"

"No idea." Merry said, looking at the computer screen. "_Elijah Wood acts as Frodo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings movies_...hey, do the rings have anything to do with the magic rings for the elven kings, dwarf lords, mortal men, and the Dark Lord?"

Then Aragorn grabbed the computer and looked himself up. "WHAT? I only have 17,000 results! That's two hundred less than Boromir! And I'm King!"

"Ha ha, so now we know who's more powerful!" Boromir said.

Aragorn frowned and vowed never to speak to Boromir again. Meanwhile, Gimli looked himself up on the computer. "Hey! I have..." but then he passed out in shock. Everyone crowded around the computer screen and saw that _Gimli son of Gloin _had only 8,060 websites. Sam humbly looked himself up and didn't make a big deal about getting 46,400 websites.

"Since I'm a wizard, I think I should have the most websites." Gandalf said. He looked up _Gandalf Stormcrow _and gasped. "No! I only have 688 websites! That's the least of all of them!" He looked very sad, so everyone else in the Fellowship that was concious tried to comfort him. Suddenly Pippin got a very good idea.

"Hey, everyone! I just remembered! I brought along some Hobbity Wings™!" Pippin yelled, and pulled out nine pairs of feathery wings from his backpack. "I think Leonardo DaVinci created these..." Suddenly Pippin jumped on his pair and started to fly away.

"Hey! My Hobbity Wings™ are flying away!" Legolas yelled, running after them. He was just at the edge of the mountain when he jumped and caught hold of them. Everyone else got on theirs and started to fly away. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Balrog appeared and grabbed Gandalf.

"Ai! Ai! A Balrog! A Balrog is come!" Legolas shrieked.

"Nooooooooooo!" Frodo screamed. "GGGAAANNNDDDAAALLLFFF!!!!!"

Gandalf held ono the Hobbity Wings™ with one hand. Then he said, "Bother you fools!", and fell.

"Nooooooooooo!" Frodo screamed. "Nooooooooooooooo! Noooooooooooooo!"

Then they landed in Lothlorien. "Welcome to Lothlorien, I am Haldir, and I do not die in The Two Towers, so I will hear none of that!" said an elf.

"Noooooooooo!" Frodo kept screaming. "Nooooooooo! Nooooooooooo!"

"Excuse me?" Haldir asked, imitating The Warden from the book Holes.

"Nooooooooo!" Frodo screamed.

"And, I am a very good friend of Glorfindel's, so I will hear none of the ridiculous talk that he doesn't exist, because he is very real!" Haldir said.

"Nooooooooooo!" Frodo screamed. "N-" he started, but choked, and said to Galadriel in a raspy voice, "Can I have a cough drop? All that screaming gave me a sore throat!"

"Why, yes, my dear." Galadriel said. "Would you rather a Benadryl pill, or a Ricola?"

"I was hoping for some lembas bread, actually." Frodo coughed, looking up hopefully.

"Why yes, I am sure we have enough to spare. I shall to tell Celeborn to make some. He's been cooking every meal lately, ever since he fired the last cook." Galadriel said gleefully.

"Why is that?" Frodo gasped.

"Because the last cook was throwing away all the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, of course!" Galadriel said, and started to walk away. Then she turned around and said telepathically, _If you like you can look at the scrapbook of all Lothlorien's visitors._

"Why, thank you, my lady." Frodo said, and sat down at a purple sparkly table and opened up a book with loads of photographs of different elves. Then he saw a picture of Goldberry, Tom Bombadil's wife.

"Is it? But...it cannot be! It is! It's a picture of Goldberry! I must keep this picture, I must keep it, I must put it on a t-shirt, or on the desktop background of the computer at Bag End which is currently being taken over by Lobelia Sackville Baggins, or maybe if I show it to Sauron he will see her beauty and ignore me while I destroy the Ring, or maybe if she knows I have this picture she's divorce Tom Bombadil and marry me instead, or-" Frodo broke off, coughing. Galadriel ran over with the lembas bread. "Here you go, sir."

Frodo ate a piece and said, "Yum, I believe my sore throat is gone!" He jumped in the air for joy. "YIPEE! YIP-" and then he started coughing manically. He quickly ate another bite of lembas bread and then his cough went away. "YAY! YAY!" Frodo yelled, and then he suddenly got a runny nose. Galadriel handed him a tissue and Frodo said, "When will this flu go away?" He ate another piece of lembas bread, and then his nose stopped running but he yelled, "Owww! I think I have a migrane headache!" He ate another piece. "Now it's an ear ache..." Frodo ate another bite. "Ahh! Appendicitis! I mean, artheritis! I mean, gingivitis! My gums are sore! I have a toothache!" Another bite. "Now my arm is dislocated!" Another bite. "Now I have a sprained ankle!" Another bite. "My wrist is twisted!" Another bite. "A pulled muscle!" Another bite. "A heart attack!" Another bite. "Frostbite!" Another bite. "Malaria!" Another bite. "Scarlet fever!" Another bite. "Yellow fever!" Another bite. "Jaundice! No, wait, that's the same thing as yellow fever, isn't it? I mean, Ebola! No, wait, that's not it, I mean, dragon pox!"

"Sir? Why not try a Snickers bar? I believe you are really suffering from hunger. Multiple disease syndrome is another terrible side affect of it. I heard on the radio that anyone who is hungry should eat a snickers bar." Galadriel suggested, and pulled one out of her pocket. "It's a couple thousand years old, but you'll survive. Chocolate lasts forever. So do peanuts and caramel."

Frodo ate the Snickers bar and said, "Wow! Lady of Light, this was a cure that hit me at the speed of parsecs!"

"There's no such thing," Gandalf reminded him. "Parsecs are a measurement of distance, not time."

"Ah, well, it hit me at warp speed. I guess I _was _hungry!" Frodo said. "And now I'm tired. Is there a room where I can sleep?"

"Why, yes, I believe so." Galadriel said. "It's the highest treehouse. We use it for our most important guests."

"Did you hear that?" Frodo said, turning around and sticking out his tongue. "_I'm _and _important _guest. Nah nah!"

"But first, Ring-Bearer, you must return the picture of Goldberry to the photo album!" Galadriel announced.


	2. Chapter 2 Of Pantry Doors and Food Fight

Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this story except for Hobbity Wings

Author's note: I didn't get any reviews, so I'm going to enable anonymous reviewers. Please review, I like to hear what people think of my story! Also, reviews let me know that people read my story in the first place.

Chapter Two- Of Pantry Doors and Food Fights

Pippin sneaked down the staircase _very, very quietly_. If those strange, fairy-like elves woke up, he'd be doomed to wash the dishes of Lothlorien until the seventh age of Middle Earth. Then he stepped off the last stair circling around the tree.

_Ha! _Pippin thought. _I did it! I'm on the ground, and nobody noticed! Er, uh, where are the kitchens?_

Pippin looked around. _Think! _he commanded himself. _There is the room where we all were standing and Frodo looked at the scrapbook with pictures of Goldberry, so Galadriel ran off...that way!_

Pippin turned to his right and started to run down the passage of trees in Caras Galadon, stopping suddenly.

"Will you look into the mirror?" asked Galadriel's voice. Pippin almost answered, "Yes, I would like to see my reflection right now, and I'm sure everyone else would, too," but then he heard Frodo's voice answer, "What will I see?"

"Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that are, things that were, and _some _things that have not yet come to pass." Galadriel answered. Knowing if he stayed any longer he might be caught, Pippin quickly scurried down the corridor and to the room labeled: Pantry.

He saw that the door was only a few planks of wood nailed together. He tried to open the door, but it must have been boarded shut for the night. But there was _just _enough room for him to sneak _under _the door. That would have to do, he wanted some lembas bread.

"Will you look into the mirror?" Galadriel asked.

_Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to see my reflection when I look in it? _Frodo thought. "What will I see?" he replied.

Galadriel started to pour some water into the basin. "Even the wisest cannot tell, for the mirror shows many things. Things that are, things that were, and _some _things that have not yet come to pass."

"Will I see Goldberry?" Frodo asked hopefully.

Galadriel smirked. "Look and see."

Frodo crossed his arms. "First tell me if I'll see any scary images. I'm only allowed to watch PG movies."

"Frodo, you're fifty, so you should be able to watch PG-33 movies now!" Galadriel said. "Just look in the mirror."

Frodo looked in and saw Legolas combing his hair, and orcs in the background sneaking up on him and stealing his bow and quivver full of arrows while he wasn't paying attention to anything. Then Legolas noticed, and whipped around, his hair...flying off? Underneath he had curly _brown _hair.

"Hey! Legolas wears a wig!" Frodo shouted triumphantly.

"Keep looking," Galadriel told him, so Frodo did so.

In the mirror Sam was gardening, and Lobelia Sackville Baggins was yelling at him. Then an orc came out of nowhere and threw a dungbomb at her! Lobelia ran away, screaming. Then suddenly the image switched to a big flaming red eye, which started to say loudly, "Ash Nazg Durbatuluk, Ash Nazg Gimbatul, Ash Nazg Thrakatuluk Agh Burzum Ishi- man, this whole one ring to rule them all is _tiring _to say in the black speech!" Then the eye saw Frodo. "Oh, so you're not Denethor, Sauruman, or one of those other morons with a Palantir?" Then Sauron saw the ring. "Oooooh, my precioussss! We wants it!"

"That's Gollum's line!" Galadriel yelled at the mirror.

"Yes, I know!" Sauron said sadly. "It's just, the whole black speech thing is so tiring, because first I have to translate common tongue to Quenya, then Quenya to Sindarin, then Sindarin to the language of kings, _then _to the black speech!"

"Shut up, Sauron!" Galadriel screamed, smacking the water. It splashed all over the place. "Vile thing..." she muttered. "...he was never a good Dark Lord, not even a good Balrog. Kept pretending to be some stupid Necromancer..."

Then Galadriel saw something. It was Pippin, sitting on the top shelf of her pantry, eating all the lembas bread he could find.

"Nooooooooo!" Galadriel bellowed, gathering up her skirts and running down the hallway at full speed, Frodo right behind her. Galadriel came to a sudden halt. "PIPPIN! DID YOU SNEAK UNDER THE PANTRY DOOR? HOW _DARE _YOU! IS THAT A DUNGBOMB IN YOUR HAND? BECAUSE, IF IT IS, THEN YOU MUST HAVE STOLEN IT FROM FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY! I BET THEY'RE SOOOOO ANGRY! IN FACT, I BET GANDALF IS VERY ANGRY! AND- _IS THAT MY SPECIAL HALLOWEEN CANDY YOU'RE EATING? _I'M TELLING CELEBORN!!!!!" Galadriel shrieked, running off and tripping over the way-too-long hem of her skirt.

At dinner the next night Legolas said, "Mrs. Galadriel? May I have some lembas bread?"

"Why of course, young Mr. Greenleaf!" Galadriel said politely. "There is enough for everyone to share, thanks to Celeborn doing some last-minute baking..." She glared at Pippin, who turned very red and hid under the sparkly green table.

Legolas helped himself to two pieces of lembas bread. Then suddenly he exclaimed, "Isn't that cool? Lembas sounds kind of like Legolas! _Le _is at the beginning of both names, and _as _is it the end of both names! Hahahahaha...eh, hehe..." he said, laughing quieter when he saw everyone staring at him as if he had some kind of mutant small pox making his hair show through his wig.

Sam was quietly cutting his potatoes and thinking about gardening when suddenly his fork slipped and a huge glob of potato skin flew through the air landed in the middle of Boromir's tunic. Boromir looked down at the white goo smeared on his lovely new and expensive shirt, and then back at Frodo, who was sitting right next to Sam with his fork raised. _Guilty until proven innocent, as my father Denethor always says, _Boromir thought, and picked up a roll and throwing it Frodo's forehead. Frodo looked shocked for a moment, then picked up a tomato and threw it as hard as he could at Boromir. Unfortunately, Frodo missed, and the tomato hit Haldir in the face. He blinked for a moment, then threw some pasta at Frodo. Unable to keep out of the fun, Pippin grabbed his mug of ale and attempted to splash it on Frodo, but at that moment Legolas leaned forward, and the ale splashed on his face. Legolas stood up, looking very angry, and started to throw bits of lembas bread at everyone sitting around the table. Then Merry and Pippin jumped up on the table, running around on top of it and taking everyone's ale and turning it upside-down over their heads. Pretty soon everyone except for Gandalf was throwing food and liquid at everyone possible, and then everyone was soaked and splattered with unknown substances, and it took several fireworks from Gandalf before everyone stopped the incredible food fight.

Celeborn was laughing uncontrollably, but Galadriel was beside herself with fury. "BOROMIR!" she screamed. "Go to your room, right _NOW_!!!"

"Gee, I just wanted to get back at Frodo for throwing a potato at me!" Boromir defended.

"It was an accident, and it wasn't even me! It was Sam! But his fork slipped, I'm know for a fact!" Frodo said quickly.

"Tomorrow, I am sorry to announce, you must continue your quest." Galadriel said, solemnly returning to eating her strawberry pie with a lembas bread crust. Celeborn started to grin insanely, and Galadriel looked up and shouted, "CELEBORN! YOU ARE NOT GOING TO THROW THIS PIE IN MY FACE!"

Celeborn crossed his arms and pouted, "I was only kidding!"

"Well, don't joke telepathically, then!" Galadriel retorted. She looked up and said, "Tomorrow meet me by the dock. I will give you your canoes and gifts."

So how do you like the story, people? Please review!


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